Just in case you think that the only movies I review are ones that I like here’s some notes on the Princess of Mars that SyFy threw at us last weekend.
It Sucks Balls. This little waste of air time was brought to us by the same geniuses that gave us the now classic Megashark Vs Giant Octopus. So that should tell you something. Normally, I can excuse a bad script, poor acting and silly special effects if there’s a bit of humor and soul to the movie. Nothing’s there.
Our hero John Carter is still from Virginia but now he’s a modern loner Special Forces guy in Afghanistan. He gets all shot up Robocop style and the mysterious military black ops guys use him for a teleportation experiment. They send him to Mars. No, not that one. The one around Alpha Centauri. Once there he meets the occasionally tall Tharks and learns that he can jump real far and real high. (OK, that was in the original.) Eventually, he crosses paths with Dejah Thoris played by Traci Lords. Really. I’m not making this up. Of course, she falls in love with our hero without any sort of build up in their relationship. And finally he faces of against his nemesis, the dude who shot him up back on Earth. This was probably one of the worst sword fights, I’ve seen. I mean that thing made the Star Wars Kid look like Bruce Lee. And really, I had no freaking idea that John Cater of Mars was the inspiration for Avatar.
So there you go. You have been warned as if being on the SyFy channel on Saturday night wasn’t warning enough.
My Recommendation: Go to the dentist for an unnecessary and painful procedure.