The coffee machine chirped that the brew was true as my bathrobe clad corpse wandered towards the kitchen. Just a normal Saturday morning until the door bell rang. I peeked out the window Two men in short-sleeved white shirts with black ties and slacks. Great, Jehovah’s Witnesses. Screw it, ignore them. Maybe they’ll go away. Nope, the door bell rang again. Various devious plans flashed though my mind. Hell what is a Saturday morning if you couldn’t get a small ration of pleasure by fucking with someone? Plan A: Grab a random D&D book. Nope, bet they’ve been desensitized to that besides Harry Potter was the target now and my collection was on loan to my girlfriend. I know get that copy of the Necronomicon I got last year as a gag gift at the Gamer Christmas party. That would send them packing. If just could remember where I put the damned thing. Oh well, just opened the door and do the polite dismissal. “Good Morning, Sir,” said the older fat one. “Have you thought about the Internet lately?”
“What?” This must be some sort of new tactic I wasn’t expecting.
The younger but much more eager one chimed in, “Yes, The Internet. It is all things to all people.”
“Yeah, there’s a lot of stuff on the Internet. Everybody knows that,” I grumbled.
“But we want to assure you that it is safe for you. To help protect you from pop-ups, viruses and Spam,” soothed the fat one.
“Uh that’s OK.” I started to close the door.
“Have you experienced the joy of AOL?” blurted the young one. My sadistic or masochist tendencies immediately overtook me. I was looking at a a pair of genuine AOL Cultists. I just thought they were an urban myth like crocodiles in the sewer or civil civil servants.
“I’ve seen a couple CD’s but I really don’t anything about it.” OK that was a lie. I had experimented with AOL but I was young and naive. Everybody did it. But then I grew up and got a real ISP.
“I am sure that you have heard how AOL helps you on the Internet.”
“So do you guys work for AOL?”
“No, the power of AOL compels us to spread the word.”
“You do this on your own time. For free?”
“Oh, yes. We feel it is our duty to spread the word,” said the chubby one.
The little one nearly exploded. “Let me share the glory of AOL with you. AOL blesses you with protection from viruses that can destroy your computer and your data. Annoying pop up ads will no longer torment you. And Spam will no longer clutter you in box.” By this time his eyes had glazed over with the lifelessness of a wage slave. I could see the drool starting to form at the edges of his mouth. “And do you have children? AOL even protects you from more evil things like…Porn.” He actually whispered porn like it was a secret that there is porn on the Internet.
“I don’t have children. And there are no children who use my computer,” I said.
The young one paused and spoke before he thought, “Do you have a girl friend? You wouldn’t want your girlfriend looking at porn. Would you?”
OK, so he didn’t put that much thought into that one but I did. My mind drifted with thoughts my girlfriend surfing porn together. That’s as close to a three way as most guys will ever get. Draft. DRAFT! OHMYGOD! BATHROBE. Focus on the pimple in the middle of the young one’s forehead. The “draft” went away immediately. “So..uh what else can you tell me about AOL?”
“For a small donation, we can offer you this free CD and the first three months are free,” said the old one. “After that it only cost you $25 or so a month.”
Small donation. What are these guys thinking? I could shingle my house with damned AOL CD’s. Time to send these freaks packing. “Really, that’s great! Can you help me install it? I’m running Linux.”
The little one’s lips quivered. “Linux!” A tear trickled down his cheek. “Unclean! Linux Killed My Lord! Blasphemer!”
“Judas” spat the older.
I closed the door, got my coffee and dug out an unmarked DVD from the bottom shelf. Now that’s a Saturday morning cartoon.