In the Name of the King

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Jun 172008

Another Uwe Boll taking a video game and making it into a train wreck of a movie. But I did learn quite a few things.
1. If you’re the Bandit King (aka Burt Reynolds) then you get ninja bodyguards.
2. Orcs (or whatever the hell they are called in the movie) learn quickly that putting volunteers into catapults and firing them at the enemy is not a good tactic. You should light the volunteers on fire first.
3. A wizard’s daughter wouldn’t recognize if it suddenly appeared in her bedroom and seduced her.
4. If Shaggy is your nephew what possibly could entice you to heir the kingdom to him.
5. Watch out for farmers because around here they learn martial arts, boomerang-fu and sword-fu.
6. Elves (at least that’s what I think they were supposed to be) are aerialists.
7. Kings learn about agriculture but they don’t learn that if someone is shooting arrows at you. DUCK!

Other observations:
1. Jason Stratham hasn’t made a decent movie since Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.
2. Ron Pearlman and John Rhyss Davies are will cash a pay check from anybody. (Not faulting them just observing.)

 Posted by at 5:47 pm  Tagged with:
Oct 212005

I said Dungeons and Dragons 2: Wrath of the Dragon God would suck and it did. But if you apply game mechanics and player character philosophy this becomes a movie so bad that it is hilarious.
First, we have the hero’s wife. A young mage who is eager to join the Council of Mages. To exhibit her powers to the elder mages, she decides to cast a spell from a divine scroll. This spell is Mend. The explanation is that no one else can cast divine magic. Appears the clerics in the near by Temple of Obad-hai have been telling some white lies. Well, she fails. Of course she could have just taken a level of cleric or poured some skill points into Use Magical Device (as a non-class skill of course). Speaking of classes, we’re not quite sure what class her husband is. My personal opinion is that he has a couple levels of fighter and a couple of aristocrat. After all, he is currently working as the Royal Minister of Water and Sewer or some such other silliness. He could have been a bard since he spends most of the fights yelling orders at the others. We are clear on what the roles of the other characters are more often referred to by their classes rather than their names.
Let us speak of other odd things. A rogue would never talk smack to the barbarian. And let us put forth the point that if the rogue saves the barbarian babe’s life and she says ”I’m forever in your debt.” You do not reply with ”You gave me a dagger so we’re even.” Even if the rogue isn’t after some wild warrior woman nookie, there other reasons to have the barbarian in your debt.
A party of adventures would never run away from a fight. Especially, they would never run away from bandits after killing a dragon. I’m not sure if this was because they were just afraid or what. The Hero decides that he and the rogue should stay safely in rear and figure out the puzzle lock while the Elf Wizard Chick and Barbarian Babe take care of the bandits. Translated roughly, ” We men will figure out this puzzle while you women folk you go fight the ruffians”.
They did have cleric in the party for a while. He died by being the first brave soul to face off with a dragon. He also ended up being freeze dried and then eaten by said dragon. He did manage to turn some undead and he was quite skilled in chopping down trees. With a hammer.
Speaking of undead, did I mention that the hero’s wife is cursed by the main villain. Yes, she is rotting from the inside. She is turning into an undead. The kindly head of the Council of Mages informs her of her sorry fate. He adds, ”At the first sign that you have turned, I’ll incinerate you.”
Speaking of the hero’s wife, she manage to harness the ancient powers of some weird sect. Let’s see it centers around the Four Elements and Nature Worship. So this strange new form of magic that safes the day is druid magic. OK, maybe druids are powerful if they are wielding the Dragon God Zapping Artifact. But other than that…
There are more little asides and notes that you can make on this movie but I want to save some of the fun for you. Sit down with your Player’s Handbook, DMG and Monster Manual and have a laugh that’s all this movie is good for.
Wrath of the Dragon God From Amazon

 Posted by at 5:32 pm  Tagged with: